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September 7, 2007
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Jessica’s Silly Adventure

September 6, 2007

Current events are too boring so Channel One’s anchor Jessica Kumari decides to show her New York neighborhood to her captive audience of up to 6 million students.
She stops first at one of her favorite places to get a huge French Vanilla Tasti D-Lite. Yummy.

You can picture high school students around the country cringing when they see this on their classroom TV. They are worried about getting ready for the next test, the SAT, the ACT, and graduation exam, and they have to watch this nonsense??

Jessica says stopping to get this dessert is the favorite part of her day. Implying she eats this every day. The message for young viewers: you can be still be slim even if you “pig-out” every day.

Jessica, how do you do it?

Precious seconds of school time are burning up for millions of students as Ms. Kumari finishes her Tasti D-Lite while walking down the New York sidewalk.

Students are throwing books at the Channel One TV set.

Ms. Kumari spots a “50% off designer tops” sign in one of her favorite stores. She enters saying, “I can do 50 percent off.” Students are on the edge of their desks. “Will she find something that is just perfect?”

“Why is this on our classroom TV screen?”

Jessica doesn’t care if students think she is wasting their time. She knows students have to watch her or the TVs will be taken away.

It’s all about Jessica as she takes something off the rack. Her favorite salesperson is in the background hoping Ms. Kumari will be pleased with her selection.

Ms. Kumari is not pleased. Oh no. That means this story will continue until she finds something that is just so “Kumari.”

Some students are already organizing classroom protests at this point. They are yelling at their teachers to turn the TV off. Teachers are trying to tell students that by contract the class has to watch this current event TV show so the school can keep their early-1990’s TV sets.

Ms. Kumari poses for the camera in a new dress that she loves. Students are relieved. This stupidity will end soon or so they hope.
No, not yet.

Jessica Kumari is SO happy that she begins to dance with the equally happy sales person.

Dance? 6 million students are suspending their education so they can watch Jessica Kumari dance with her saleslady?

Teachers are stunned. Students are demanding that they be sent to the principal’s office. “Please, please, no more Jessica Kumari!” they scream.

Jessica continues to “bust a move” for the camera. Channel One News has a whole lot of time to fill so why not.
Jessica loves to play to the camera. It’s fun being a “journalist.”

Many schools with Channel one report numerous cases of projectile vomiting by students forced to watch today’s Channel One News.

 

An ecstatic Jessica Kumari walks outside and holds up her purchases. Buying things is fun. Eating junk food is fun. Life is good.

Many teachers hopefully had turned Channel One News off by this point.

Ms. Kumari is now speaking to maybe a few hundred students now. She says that’s enough about me, I want to hear from you. So go to channelone.com!

Sure Channel One wants to hear from students – that is how Mr. Matt Diamond, Jessica’s boss, makes his living: getting information from kids and then selling it to companies that want to sell things to kids.

Taxpayers in 46 states paid for every second of this nonsense story. The story took a full minute of school time. Multiply that by 6 million and that equals 100,000 students hours lost with just one goofy story.

What was the story right before this one? A feature story on young people who surf in Wisconsin. No joke.

What was the story right after Kumari’s Adventure? A short “Final Word” story about Apple coming out with a new iPod.

Now, does ANYONE not understand why Channel One News is being dumped by schools left and right??

Utter nonsense from the new Channel One News team. Here’s the last part of the transcript for September 6, 2007:

>>WHEN YOU THINK WISCONSIN, YOU THINK COWS, CHEESE, AND NOW…SURFING? YES, AMERICA’S DAIRYLAND IS HOME
TO AN SMALL BUT GROWING, FIERCELY DEDICATED, SURF COMMUNITY RIGHT ALONG LAKE MICHIGAN IN SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN.

>>SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN IS KNOWN AS THE MALIBU OF THE MIDWEST.

>>THE ANNUAL DAIRYLAND SURF CLASSIC TAKES PLACE HERE IN SHEBOYGAN EVERY LABOR DAY
WEEKEND, THE START OF THE MIDWEST SURF SEASON.

ABOUT 300 SURFERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD COME TO CATCH A FRESHWATER WAVE.

SO IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO RIDE THE BIG ONE, BUT THE CLOSEST WATER HAPPENS TO BE THE GREAT LAKES,
GRAB YOUR BOARD ANYWAY, CUZ THE SURF’S UP. AND IN WISCONSIN, MAKE SURE YOU TRADE YOUR BOARD
SHORTS FOR A WETSUIT. CHRIS BROWNE, CHANNEL ONE NEWS.

>>HEY GUYS, ITS JESSICA. AND WE’RE ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE IN
NEW YORK CITY BECAUSE THIS IS MY NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I’M GOING TO
TAKE YOU AROUND TO SOME OF MY FAVORITE PLACES.

THE PLACE THAT I GO TO ALMOST EVERYDAY IS MY FROZEN YOGURT
PLACE. THE GUYS KNOW ME, I LOVE THEM.
THANK YOU. I LOVE IT, THIS IS THE FAVORITE PART OF MY DAY.

I ACTUALLY REALLY LOVE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE THERE’S A
LOT OF GREAT PLACES TO EAT, LOT OF OUTDOOR RESTAURANTS. THERE’S
ALWAYS A COOL VIBE.

I ALSO LOVE TO SHOP. I WISH I HAD MORE MONEY TO SHOP BUT I DO LOVE TO SHOP.

50 PERCENT OFF DESIGNER TOPS, OOH. I CAN DO 50 PERCENT OFF.

ALL RIGHT. THAT’S IT. SO NOW YOU KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME.
BUT I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND YOU CAN TELL ME A
BIT ABOUT YOURSELF BY GOING TO OUR WEBSITE, CHANNELONE.COM.

>>LOG ON TO CHANNELONE.COM AND CLICK ON THE ON-AIR SECTION TO
MEET THE REST OF THE CHANNEL ONE NEWS TEAM.

>>THAT’S IT FOR ME TONY ANDERSON AND OUR SHOW FOR TODAY. HERE’S
THE FINAL WORD.

>> (Steve Jobs of Apple talking) THE NEW IPOD TOUCH. IT’S UNBELIEVEABLE.
WE THINK IT’S ONE OF THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD.

IT’S JUST INCREDIBLE.