Channel One’s idea of a “Summer Update”

July 9, 2010
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Boys and girls, it’s time for your Summer Update!

From Jim Metrock:

Channel One News often defends their company by saying they are the only source of news for many young people.  If Channel One went away, then these poor, helpless children would be in the dark about current events.  Obligation has had great fun with this claim by repeatedly asking the company to go beyond their canned, taped, and stale in-classroom TV show and  stream timely news stories on their website.  After all, doesn’t it make sense for the “preeminent news and content provider for teens” – that’s what they call themselves – to keep kids up-to-date in the evening, on weekends, during holiday periods, and during summer vacation?

Channel One executives and reporters laugh at that idea.  That would require real work. One has to remember that these are the laziest TV personalities in our country.  There may be lazier ones in other countries.  I don’t know.

In 2008, after Obligation relentlessly ridiculed Channel One about their lack of summer updates, they actually attempted to update kids that summer.  They called it “The Summer Show.”  It was typical Channel One quality.  It was slapped together.  The host was Hannah Van Winkle and the show was two minutes long.  There were three of the shows spread over six weeks.  (That’s a lot of work by Channel One News standards.) Without notice to the few young visitors to channelone.com, the company ended The Summer Show in July.  It was close to a total disaster.

Today I discovered Channel One has been YouTubing updates this summer.  Wow.  Bravo to Channel One. Maybe these pretend-journalists are actually reporting the news each day of summer vacation instead of just cutting and pasting AP stories on their website.

Nah.  Once again news is a joke at Channel One.  Let’s take this update video for an example. (There has been only one other “update” since the end of the school year. That one was a 2 1/2 minute clip about Prince Harry playing polo for charity.)  This video “update” is idiotic.  The video is at the end of this article.

Four interns (one who looks like she is in her 30’s) are shown interviewing the regular Channel One news team.  It’s all fun and games as they limp through a little play acting with the Channel One reporters.  There is no news in this video update only anchors talking about what they are working on for the fall broadcast.  Hello??  Earth to Channel One News.  Things are happening NOW.

Below: Gary Hamilton says he is working on a teen entrepreneur story.  It’s his “baby.”  How long does it take to prepare a story like that? Evidently – all summer.  What’s newsworthy about this type of story?  It may be inspirational, but schools didn’t want Channel One News for inspirational stories.  Channel One loves these type of feature stories because as you can see they have an extremely long shelf life.  It doesn’t matter if this story is shown in September or March.  These stories are cheap to do compared with covering real news.

Hamilton is shown here telling Kristin (no last name) about the Channel One softball team.  He is extremely happy to have gone “eight for nine.” From his body language we are guessing he has eight hits for nine at bats.  Way to go, Gary.

Below: Jessica Kummari – famous for her Kumariland report – appears pleased with herself as she informs viewers she likes frozen yogurt without toppings. (Didn’t she tell us before how much she likes frozen yogurt?)

My favorite summer treat? Oh, Pat, what a great question. You’ll go far at Channel One News.

Below: Adrianna Diaz will be reporting from Haiti and doing some sports stories from the Dominican Republic.  Students need more sports stories for sure.  Again, kids are told what she is going to do and she has no information to convey to the audience.  With each interviewee, one gets a sense of the incredible laziness that permeates this studio. Maybe when she visits Hispaniola Ms. Diaz will break a sweat.

Below: Justin Finch talks about how he likes to go outside and do nothing.  Justin, if you do any less than what you are doing inside you might stop breathing.  This guy has a camera on him and he could give kids an update on what is happening in the Gulf in JULY.  What about the progress of the relief wells?  What’s the situation on the Texas coast?  What might happen if a hurricane comes through the Gulf?   No can do.  instead Justin enjoys being a goofball.  He, like the other Channel One reporters, tells kids that he is working on a story that they might see in the fall.  What’s the purpose of saying anything if you have nothing to say?

“doing absolutely nothing”

Below: Evan Groll is working on a lot of sports stories.  Oh, great.  Evan, that’s a big reason why your employer is being thrown out of schools.  He teases the kids with a future rodeo story.  OK!  We learn that Evan prefers the pool over the ocean because there are no sharks in pools.

Your high school rodeo reporter.

Below: The last person interviewed is Shelby Holliday.  She is the newest Channel One anchor.  She desperately needs a manager.  She’s the last passenger to board the Titanic.  We discover she is industrious – she is working on several stories for the upcoming school year.  The one she is most excited about is a story on “Army extreme sports.”  Shelby, why should students watch that story?  What is newsworthy about that subject?  How will your report help students pass their achievement tests or help students graduate?  Is it a coincidence that the Army is a major advertiser on Channel One?  Shelby, is there any line you won’t cross to mix advertising and news?  Will you remind students at the beginning of your Army sports story that the Army is an advertiser so they can better understand the reason they are seeing this story?  Has anybody ever talked to you about “disclosure.”  I know, I know, you do what you are told.

If someone can help me with my career, I would really appreciate it.

Here’s the video:

At the end Devin says, with a straight face, there will updates all summer long.  So far, as of July 9, there have been two.  Check out Channel One’ channel on YouTube.

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